Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You can't motorboat a personality
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
