I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
