i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
