I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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