There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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