Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
