this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
