He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
