I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
