I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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