I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
