I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
