What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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