I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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