My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
