checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
