I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
