I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
