I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
