Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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