she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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