i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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