I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
