don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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