Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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