Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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