You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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