Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
