walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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