the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
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Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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