Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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