Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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