I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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