The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
