if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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