i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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