Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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