So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
