I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
