FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
