This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
