i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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