i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We don't watch enough power rangers
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
