if i can run in heels then i can drive
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
