When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
