She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
