apparently the secret to your success is patron
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
