We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
