Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
