Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
