I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can't put those talents on a resume
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
