i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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