Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
