I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
