So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
