My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I need moral support for this bender
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
