My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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