Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
