I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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